Kidnapped!!!

I've had a lot on the last week or so and hadn't got round to emailing Diana so I needed to come up with an excuse. What better excuse than being kidnapped?

My dearest Diana.

I must apologise for the lack of communication these last few days. The most awful thing happened to me.

I emailed the lawyer to explain that I didn't have the money they needed to pay for the paperwork. I offered him a choice of 3 of my paintings which he could sell to pay the fees but he refused them all. I panicked and realised that I needed to raise the money some other way to help get the paperwork you need my love.  You are the most important thing in my life Diana.

There's a local pub in our village that sometimes attracts people of a dubious nature who do all sorts of dodgy deals. I know one or two of them by sight so decided to take a chance and see if they could help me. I went to the pub and got myself a beer and waited for one of them to arrive.  Eventually one chap by the name of Brian Maiden arrived and I approached him, offering to buy him a beer. We sat in a corner and I began to explain my predicament to him. I said I needed to get my hands on some money fast and would be prepared to work for it even if it meant doing something not strictly legal.

He told me he had a package that needed delivering. I asked what it was but he said it was better if I didn't know. He gave me an address and said I would receive payment on delivery of said package. I was told to deliver it the next day at 8pm.

So the next day I got myself ready and headed off to the address I 'd been given. The house was in a rather run down area of a neighbouring village and I began to feel a little nervous. All I kept thinking about was you Diana and how I needed to do this to raise enough money to pay for the paperwork we need to get your fathers money and get you over to England. I parked my car on the road outside the house and noticed a black van pull up on the opposite said of the road. I didn't really think anything of it as I grabbed the packaged and got out of my car. What happened next is a bit of a blur. One minute I was locking my car door, the next I was being grabbed from behind and bundled into the back of the black van.

I was terrified Diana, absolutely terrified. I was blindfolded and tied up and they started to drive away. It was a bumpy drive and I didn't half bruise my coccyx. After what seemed like ages, the van stopped and I was dragged out of the back and pushed through the doorway of a building. Only then did I get to see my captors. I recognised them instantly as Pat Sabbath and his partner Judith Priest, both members of the notorious 'Mental Metal' gang. Their leader is the much feared Jed Zeppelin who is well known for his law breaking and violence. 

Pat and Judith took me upstairs and tied me to a chair in a small room at the back of the house. The decorating was dreadful, all 80's floral chintz and lace. It turned my stomach I don't mind saying. They demanded that I told them who I was delivering the parcel for or I'd 'get it'.  I refused. I was too scared to get Brian Maiden into trouble as I knew what would happen if I told them. Brian would hunt me down for sure and that would be the end of me. Becasue I refused to tell them, they beat me.  They hit me with old copies of Anglers Times which didn't half sting and poked me repeatedly with  pencils. I say repeatedly, the kept stopping to sharpen them as the leads kept breaking. Well if they buy their stationary from Poundland, what can you expect?

They kept this up for several days. I don't really know how long as one day soon blurs into another when surrounded by floral hellishness. All this time, the parcel remained sealed and discarded in the corner of the room. I couldn't help but wonder what was in it. After several days and nights  in my garish jail, the box started to give off an alarming smell. A rancid fluid was leaking from one corner and it turned my stomach. What was in the box? I had to find out. I tried to shuffle my chair over to get a better look but just succeeded in tipping over and landing head first onto the Laura Ashley rug. They may look soft but believe me, the friction burn I got down the left side of my face tells a different story!

Pat and Judith must have heard the bang and came running upstairs.  The found me prostrate on the floor, retching because of the smelly box. They pulled me upright again and began another assault, this time with rolled up copies of 'The Fish Sniffer' magazine.  I was in agony Diana, sheer agony. My spirit broken, I had no option but to tell they what they wanted to know. I was delivering the parcel on behalf of their adversary,  Brian Maiden. I was a broken man. Battered and bruised, they untied me. I needed to know what was in the parcel and begged Judith to tell me. I appealed to her feminine side, telling her all about you and why I needed the money. She softened and gave me a knowing look. Her and Pat are obviously in love so she understood what I was going through.  She waited until Pat had left the room and whispered in my ear "Fish. It's fish." She left the room without another word.

I didn't understand. I was battered, bruised and now confused. I'd been kidnapped for a box of fish? It made no sense. I made my way downstairs to find the back door unlocked so I ran. I ran faster than I have ever done in my entire life. I ran until I reached the local police station where I broke down and told them everything. I didn't care if I got into trouble for my part in the dodgy deal. All I cared about was being free again. Free to get back in touch with you Diana. I was interviewed and a statement taken. The interviewing officer asked what exactly I knew about Brian, Pat, Judith and Jed. "Very little" was my response except the state that Pat and Judith really had appalling taste in interior design.  Well Diana, it turns out that both Brian Maiden and Jed Zeppelin are fishmongers. For years they have competed against each other to win the title of 'Fishmonger of the year.'  I never realised how cut throat the fresh sea food business was. The parcel I was delivering was some luxury fresh fish and the recipient was the head judge of the competition. Jed Zepellin had got wind of this and sent Pat and Judith to kidnap me to stop the delivery.

So all that fear and intimidation was down to a box a fish! But do you know what Diana? I 'd do it all over again for you. I'd do anything for you my love. I'm back home now, still bruised and sore but sadly, without the money I was promised by Brian.  I hope you understand that I am doing my very best to try and raise the money Diana. I want to help you, I want to marry you but I may need a little more time.

I can't wait to hear from you again my beloved. Please write to me soon.

All my love

Don xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mr Benjamin Netanyahu

The lawyers fees are a little expensive and I don't have that kind of money spare at the moment. I have offered them the choice of three wonderful paintings to either sell or hang in their offices. I have also decided to call the lawyer (Jim Benjamin) Benjamin Netanyahu. I wonder if he'll even notice!


Dear Mr Benjamin Netanyahu

Many thanks for your last mail.

I am a little concerned about the amount of money needed for this paperwork. It is rather a lot and I don't have that kind of money available to me at the present moment.

I don't know if you are aware but I am a world famous artist. My paintings sell for vast amounts of money all over the world. Unfortunately, most of this money is invested in art supplies or stocks and shares where I cannot immediately access it.

I have an idea. I have a few, as yet unsold paintings that I am willing to let you choose from.  There are three in particular that I think you will appreciate: Paris Sunset, Tortured soul and Caterpillar Girl. Please select one of the three and I will arrange to have it shipped over to your offices. I know it will be a difficult decision for you to make as all three are magnificent works of art but I am sure you will agree, either one of them will make a fine addition to any professional workplace. It is your choice whether you keep it to hang in your offices or sell it for a princely sum.

I have attached scans of the pictures for your perusal and look forward to hearing from you forthwith.

Your sincerely

Don Keigh-Dick.

Paris Sunset

Caterpillar Girl

Tortured Soul

HAPPY VALENTINE DAY ONE IN YEAR I LOVE YOU‏ (and a bit of Bollywood)

This email came through on the evening of Valentines day. I don't think I have laughed so much in ages! If this isn't proof of what an incompetent bunch of shitehawks these scammers are then I don't know what is!! Bollywood? What the actual f**k??!!!

Today is day of love and happyness Valentine's day - wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, Chaucer's love birds. jack b. oruch writes that the first recorded association of valentine's day with romantic love is in parlement of foules (1382) by geoffrey. Bollywood - wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, Etymology. the name "bollywood" is a portmanteau derived from bombay (the former name for mumbai) and hollywood, the center of the american film industry however. Santabanta : jokes, sms, wallpapers, bollywood movies, videos, A punjab based site with a big collection of jokes..

Bollywood, entertainment, fashion, beauty | pinkvilla, Pyaar tune kya kiya: watch out for anita hassanandani and harshad arora as modern-day paro and devdas! (pics). Desitvforum– no.1 indian television & bollywood portal, Disclaimer: all logos and pictures of various channels, shows, artistes, media houses, companies, and brands etc. belong to their respective owners, and are used to. Valentine’s day - history.com — history made every day, Each year on february 14 th, many people exchange cards, candy, gifts or flowers with their special “valentine.” the day of romance we call valentine’s day is.a day of love  i love you my love i shows you happy valentine to you my love i miss you hope to haer of you

All love and kisss
your Diana

20th Februaury deadline.

I received this message from the bank saying there is a deadline of 20th February to get the paperwork to them before they terminate the account. I reckon I can make them wait a little longer.

 

 

 

For Your Kindly Attention,Mr Don Keigh-Dick.

in conjunction with your mail we which to inform you that we are still waiting to received all the necessary documents we needed for the transaction before the account will be terminated we will be waiting to received all the demands documents on before 20 of this month to insure the smooth conclusion of the transaction

For further details and enquirers please do contact
Yours Faithfully,

Mr. Garry Nathan
(Foreign Operation/Wire Transfer Dept).
R.B.S

€1280 Needed Now

Mr Benjamin Anthony the lawyer has sent the table of fees for obtaining the appropriate paperwork. It's cheaper than the last lot, a snip at just  €1280. Mind you, the amount they need immediately now keeps changing. Not that they will be getting a single penny.






 

 


SIR. Don Marmalade Anarchy Keigh-Dick

I wish to inform you that after due confirmations from the bank , of the true existence of the money, its legitimacy and inquires from appropriate quarters about the needful for successful completion of the transfer process, that I hereby accept to dutifully handle the case. Prior to my conversation with the bank as i contacted the bank before.

I understand from the Bank Transfer director that the actual credit balance at the moment is US$10.500 000.00 The Transfer director also mentioned that you have already being nominated by the next of kin and they are expecting that you get back to them soonest for further transfer to your country .I have seen the documents even as your partner shows me. The young girl father's death certificate, and the deposit certificate. I was made to understand from the bank that these documents are required by them for the transfer.

1.I have drafted a tentative power of attorney/affidavit of oath based on your partner request and information which will be notarized on my chambers letter head after the signature of party involved at the Federal High Court Here In  Dakar Senegal .

2.After due consultations from  Dakar Federal High Court, I understand that it will officially cost the sum of €270  ( only) to legalize the power of attorney, but poverty alleviation levy imposed by government of   Senegal on any investor in the country in the category of such fund income is €370  which must be paid to Inland Revenue Office.

The payment receipt would be tendered to the Federal High Court before the power of attorney is notarized. The funds in Bank is a guarantee to you by the next of kin now,  (including notary fee) ten banking days after receipt of the fund (US$10.500 000:00) in your country bank account as customary in legal services.

While you should arrange and only send now the government levy of   €400 to enable me commence and conclude actions on the authentication of the power of attorney in agreement with the Federal High Court.

To speedy the process you are to send these money through my law firm to enable this noble office prepare and validate the power of attorney here in the high court and notary republic respectively.
You are to send the (€240 Euros) through Western Union Money Transfer with my information below, so that i will start the preparation of those document's as you requested which will only take two working day's for it readiness for the transfer.

  WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER OR MONEY GRAM.
The name/address for payment is:
Amount...... €1280  Needed Now ..
Name.........Benjamin Anthony
Address..... Liberty Six No 17, Dakar Senegal.


Thanks.
Faithfully yours
Bar (Dr) BENJAMIN  ANTHONY
E-mail contact: Following
(jimbenjaminlawfirm@clerk.com)
Office Phone Number: +221773415694

I finally get to bonk you!

So, she's going to marry me. Funnily enough I have a friend of a friend who may be able to help.


Good morning Diana.

Did I read your last email correctly? You have agreed to marry me?

Oh joy of joys!!

We really must start planning to get you over here to England my love. Oh I am so so excited. I have a friend of a friend who works in an embassy over in Senegal who could maybe offer us some assistance in your transfer over here. I'll get in touch with them straight away.

Oh this is just such wonderful news. Oh Diana, we are to be married!! This means I finally get to bonk you! Wooo hooo!!

Right my darling, I have things of an arty nature to attend to so need to say goodbye for now.

Bye by my wonderful wife to be!!

All my love

Don xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Great tits!

Don has been to an art party. He's a bit drunk!



HEy Diona

I havbe been aty my arrt perty andhabe  druink loyt of verry expensiive wine,

I love yoiu Dioane and I bet yiu hbe great tits! I cant wiat tio cop a feel ha ha ha ha ha

I need to ask yo

WILL YIOU NARRY ME??

Pleasee Sauy yes. I feek sick so bettr go nopw.

Loveyou frmok your sexy DOn xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Equal rights chambers.

Wow, another very professional email from 'the lawyer'. Perfectly spelled with lovely graphics as usual. How anyone ever falls for these scams I will never know.

 

EQUAL RIGHT CHAMBERS
MEMBER ECOWAS BANK ACCREDITED

ATTORNEYS.-Rue 48, Laminu Guye Street, Dakar, P. O. Box 28874 Dakar  +221 774450755 Email;jimbenjaminlawfirm@clerk.com
OUR REF: JLC/01541 YOUR REF: LMC/0549 DATE;10:02:2015 EQUAL RIGHT CHAMBERS

ATTENTION. SIR MR DON KEIGH-DICK.

SEQUEL TO YOUR MAIL WHICH I RECEIVED IN MY NOBLE LAW CHAMBERS TODAY ON HOW TO GET AN AFFIDAVIT OF OATH AND PREPARE A POWER OF ATTORNEY IN YOUR NAME FOR YOU TO STAND ON BEHALF OF YOUR PARTNER  MISS DIANA YOUNES  AND TRANSFER  HER LATE FATHERS MONEY FROM ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND INTO YOUR ACCOUNT

MY NOBLE LAW FIRM WISH TO BRING TO YOUR NOTICE THAT YOUR PARTNER MISS DIANA YOUNES  HAVE GIVING TO ME THE DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE WITH DEATH CERTIFICATE  WHICH I WILL GO AND REGISTER THEM IN THE HIGH COURT, MEANWHILE BEFORE WE CAN PROCEED WITH THIS SERVICES WE WILL WANT YOU TO FORWARD TO THIS LAW FIRM IMMEDIATELY YOUR FULL INFORMATION DETAILS.

1.  FULL NAME,.....................
2.  RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS....................
3.  COUNTRY OF ORIGIN...................
4.  OCCUPATION.................... .
5.  AGE........................... ........
6.  YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER........................ .

AS YOU WANT IT TO APPEAR ON THE POWER OF ATTORNEY AND THE AFFIDAVIT OF OATH WHICH WILL ENABLE ME GO TO THE FEDERAL HIGH COURT HERE TO ASCERTAIN THE COST OF THE AUTHENTICATION OF THE POWER OF ATTORNEY AND THE AFFIDAVIT OF OATH BEFORE IT BECOMES VALID FOR THE TRANSFER OF THE MONEY TO YOUR ACCOUNT IN YOUR COUNTRY .

AFTER WHICH MY LAW FIRM WILL CONTACT YOU BACK WITH THE DETAILS OF  THE REQUIRED LEGAL SERVICES. MY PRIORITY ATTENTION IS TO RENDER AN EFFICIENT LEGAL SERVICES TO MY CLIENT AT ALL TIME.

YOUR'S SINCERELY IN SERVICE.
BAR BENJAMIN ANTHONY  
(ESQ). PHONE NUMBER +221 774450755

Refugee camp chic.

 A quick message to Diana because I am off out to a posh art 'do.



Oh my dearest, darling Diana.

Thank you so much for your lovely emails. They are much better and a lot more sincere. I knew you had it in you!

I have emailed the lawyer and am just waiting for their reply. I will let you know as soon as I hear back from them.

I am off out later my dear. I have to attend a very posh society art event. I wish you were here to come with me. When we are married and you are living over here, you will accompany me to many events. Won't that be super? We can get you all dressed up (none of this refugee camp chic for you any more my dear!) and I can show you off to all my arty farty friends.

I have painted a very special picture for you this afternoon. I hope you like it Diana. I worked really hard on it especially for you. It's good isn't it?

Well, I have to get ready to go out.  I may have a few drinks tonight. That should be fun.

Well Diana, be good and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

All my love forever
Don  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

More bunkum and bullshittium.

Time to tell Diana about my awful weekend. I bet I get no sympathy whatsoever from her.


Good afternoon Diana

I must apologise for the delay in replying to you. I have been terribly ill for the last few days. After your last email and the one from the bank, I accidentally swallowed a large amount of bunkum which resulted in a severe case of bullshittium poisoning. I was dreadfully ill Diana. I don't mind telling you that I feared the worst.

After I had read yours and the banks emails, I went to make a sandwich for my  lunch. On a high shelf in the cupboard, I keep a bag of granulated bunkum for those times when it is necessary to rid oneself of leaches, rats and similar vermin.  I am not sure how, but some of it must have got into my potted meat which is what I chose for my sandwich filling that day. I started to feel a bit off about an hour after eating it but thought I was just feeling love sick after looking at your beautiful photos. Half an hour later I started being sick. Then I don't really remember much after that. Apparently a neighbour happened to call round and found me collapsed on the floor and called an ambulance. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in hospital. They gave me an antidote to the bunkum (a truth serum) and eventually the bullshittium subsided. It was touch and go though Diana. I was finally released from hospital this morning but I have to take it easy and rest up for the remainder of the week.

Anyway my love, I heard back from the bank. They need lots of paperwork relating to your fathers death. I am assuming that you have all the necessary things so be a good girl and send them to the bank. We can't get hold of the money until you send them.

I have to go and rest now Diana. It would be really lovely to get a romantic, loving email from you. Maybe a love poem or a picture of you holding a sign saying "I love my Don Keigh-Dick".  I am sure that would really help my recovery.

I look forward to hearing from you as soon as possible.

All my love forever

Your Don Keigh-Dick x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Bullshittium poisoning.

I thought I should contact the bank again after their last wonderfully professional email. I've been ill hence the delay in replying. That bullshittium poisoning can be very nasty.



Dear Mr Garry Nathan

Many thanks for your speedy response to my mail. I apologise for my delay in replying but I have been ill and had to take to my bed. I came down with an acute case of bullshittium poisoning after swallowing a load of bunkum. Silly me! I shan't be doing that again in a hurry!! Anyway, I am on the mend now so no need to worry.

You mentioned several  items of paperwork and documentation that are needed for me, I mean us, to get our hands on the money. Obviously I don't have these so I shall ask my wonderful Diana to forward them to you as I assume she has them all. I shall contact her straight away. I shall let you know as soon as she replies.

Many thanks for your patience in this matter.

Yours sincerely

Mr Don Keigh-Dick

Morally buckle up.

Another reply from Diana came the other day. She's glad of my climactic explanations. That's good then.


good morning darling and how are you doing at the present. please honey i will like to appologize for latness in response which is because of lack of direct connection with me.  i wish you are dwelling fine and in good health. thanks for the climatic explanations which will help me morally to buckle up while coming over.

good and great that you have resume communications with the bank and please darling i want to see what the bank told you as we are just together in all.

remember that we are preparing an endless journey. a journey that will lead to us to possible generational advantages .

all it takes is for you to be please very faithful to me in all areas of life so that we should achieve our success soonest and together there.

remember always that life is miserable to me here as i totally lacks all a young lady need. your maximum cooperation to me to be strong is highly needed always . my feeding is low here and my medications are not taken care of properly. the climats here is not all that okay to my system and it cost me to sometimes be ill but i pray am strong and will be just because of you.


i wish you well always and encourage you to be of good help to me now that i need your help so that when we come up with my inheritance , we should move to our next level ok

have a great day and more blessings ahead and thanks for the informations sent and remember that there are certain things amis in the sent details

Welcome (spinning GIF)

I received this extremely professional looking email back from the 'bank'. Yes, all banks have such wonderful, spinning GIF logos!! They need certain paperwork from me before the transaction can be completed but obviously this is going to cost me. As always, the standard of communication is wonderfully abysmal.

      

 

Sir, Mr Don Keigh-Dick

I  have been  directed by the director of Foreign Operation/ Wire Transfer to write you in respect to your mail and your partner's mail which we received in our Bank. Actually,we have earlier been informed about you by the young lady Miss Diana Abdel Fattah Younes.(the next of kin) that she wishes you to be her trustee/represent  for the claim of her late father's deposit with this bank.


Late (DR ABDEL FATAH YOUNES)  is our late customer with sum substantial amount of money he deposit with us,$10.5MDollars.(Ten Million Five Hundred Thousand Dollars).Hence you have been really appointed as a trustee to represent the next of Kin.How ever before our bank will transact any business concerning the transfer of the fund to your bank,we will like you to send the followings immediately to our bank.

1.  A power of attorney permitting you to claim and receive the funds to your  bank account on her behalf.Note:This Power of attorney must been endorsed by a Senegalese resident lawyer.(Since the young lady is presently residing in  Senegal)

2.The death certificate of (Her deceased father) confirming his death

3.A Certificate Deposit issued to him by our bank.

4. You will send your valid telephone, home or office address with your passport or ID copy.

Note:The above are compulsory,and are needed to protect our interest,yours and the next of kin after the transfer has been made. Therefore You have to hurry up to present these documents to our bank to enable us wire the fund ( US$10,500,000.00 )into your account.These shall also ensure that a smooth,quick and successful transfer of the fund will be made.

(We promise to give our customers the best of our services.)

Should you have any question(s),please contact our Foreign Operational
Director- DR BRIAN WILSTON, through our Phone for more directives/clarifications with +447857905041

Yours Faithfully,

Mr. Garry Nathan
(Foreign Operation/Wire Transfer Dept).
R.B.S

Betamax. A good investment right?

I replied to Diana's last email giving her the information she required PROPERLY. I omitted a phone number of course. How very remiss of me.  Betamax video players are a good investment right?
 

Good morning my darling Diana.

I hope this finds you well and happy.  We are deep in snow here in England so today is very chilly.  The river Miface has frozen over and the village of Jizz-on-Miface  is covered in a thick,  creamy, white deposit. I think the gods may have seen your photos!! I think I may have to dig myself out if it carries on.

I emailed the bank as you ask my dear and am awaiting their reply. In the meantime, here is the information you requested from me.

your full names  - Don Juan Marmalade Ringo Keigh-Dick
your telephone number -
your profession - World famous artist
Age - 47
your country - England
the investments we should do in your country with this money -

I need a little more time to finalise my plans for investments but so far I am keen to invest in Betamax Video players,  Sinclair C5's and cheese. I will draw up a more comprehensive list shortly.

I just want to reassure you Diana that I am a trustworthy personnel and will do my best to help you to your (apple) core.

I do have a confession to make Diana. I think I am in love with you. I have tried to fight these feelings as we have known each other for such a short time but I can't help it. You are the most wonderful woman I have never met. You are beautiful, clever, incredibly literate and smart. I just can't wait until we can be together as a proper couple and I finally get to nibble on your apple.

For now my dear, I have to go. Please take care of yourself my beloved girl.

All my love

Don x x x x x x x x x x x

Not as a foreigner but as my apple.

Just as a logged on and emailed the bank, Diana sent me this email. It has the usual lack of punctuation, grammar and capital letters and interesting uses of the words apple and ginger. I wish she'd make her mind up too. One minute she isn't bothered about the inheritance, just having enough money so she doesn't starve and the next, she wants to know how we will invest it. Fickle woman.

 

 

 

hi my beloved

i sincerely and lovely admired your response and i wholeheartedly say big thanks to you and at the same time i want to plead that you will please never allow this our communications to end in internet ok. you see i really observed that money is not everything as it is just a mere thing to buy what someone want excluding love. love is love and love is real when partner involved agreed that it is real otherwise it is less committed or take note of.

i do not consider money as much but this my now condition money is needed so that i can not die of hunger and starvation. i want you to know that i am not a rich woman as you  may think but i inherited enough money from my late father that is why it seemed that i am a rich woman and besides the money is not into my care now as it is in a bank in united kingdom  and i can not claim it because it was deposited as investment money by my late father. i pray that you could have enough time to read this my mail to better understanding ok.

i need a true love and if i can have it, i think all my sorrowful should be over because i want someone that could care and love me not as a foreigner but as his love and as his apple.

it will do me great if you will consider me as your good friend and future reliable joint investment partner so that we should be able to achieve all our common goals on this earth together.

i want an assurance of your capability to handle this huge amount of money successfully for our everlasting financial growth.

Please i will like to introduce you to the bank where this money is as my trustee and foreign investments live partner and closer friend to enable the bank understand our closer relationship to backing us up in the fair and legal transfer of this money to your position for our reliable investments.

furthermore i want you to PROPERLY  send to me the following informations;

your full names ..............
your telephone number.....,,.......................
your profession....................................
Age..............................................................;
your country..........................
the investments we should do in your country with this money.....

if you can lovely read and comply with all the above things that i wrote it will ginger me mostly to entrust this my inheritance to you and also could be able to introduce you officially to bank for them To urgently arrange the transfer of this my inherited money to your control without delay .

i do not have anybody beside me to faithfully entrust because i was humiliated by my step mother and my late father's blood relatives immediately my parents died. this is a very disappointing  issue that i should like to explain to you when this transfer is successful and by the special grace of God  you will lovely help me to be together with you as soon as this money gets to your control ok.

i know you have answered most of the things i wrote here but kindly read and reply them with assurance as i lacks trustworthy personel and will like to be very sure that you could be able to help me to the core . cheers and please i awaits your urgent response

The bank.

I promised Diana that I would contact the bank so I thought I'd better do it. Eventually. I am positive that most banks have an email address like this:  royalbankof_scotland@accountant.com. Seems legit.

Dear Mr Gary Nathan.

I am contacting you on behalf of my girlfriend, Miss Diana Younes in respect to the inheritance left to her by her late father. I am now her leagal representative in this country and will be dealing with the matter on her behalf from now on.

I would be grateful if you could send me further details on how I can get my hands on her money.

Yours sincerely,

Mr Don Keigh-Dick.

I want a doctor, to take your picture ......

I don't want Diana to get fed up and stop emailing so I have promised to email the bank about her late fathers money. I'll do that soon. Let her wait a while longer.  I still want to know more about her, as do The Vapours!



Good evening my gorgeous darling Diana.
I hope my message finds you well and happy. I read your last email with the subject 'hamburger' and have to say, I was a little confused. Cheers and what is hamburger? Thank you for the beautiful pictures of you. I'm so glad you managed to find a professional photographic studio to take them for you. You really are beautiful. Have you ever considered stopping your medical studies at the college of aviation to become a model?
I understand that you are in dreadful circumstances over there and it breaks my heart. I want to do all I can to help you my love. I still wish you were more forthcoming with information about yourself and I will expect this from you in the future if I am to help you.
I am currently travelling back from setting up my new exhibition so am feeling a little weary at present. Tomorrow when I have rested and eaten a glorious, fulfilling meal of cheese, I shall email the bank as you requested.
Please tell me more about yourself, not just your present circumstances but of your life and family before the tragedy. I want to know you inside and out. I've got your picture, I've got your picture. I'd like a million of you all round my cell. I'd want a doctor, to take a picture so I can look at you from inside as well. You got me turning up, and turning down and turning in and turning round. I'm turning into cheese, I think I'm turning into cheese. I really think so.
Goodnight
Love and Stilton from
Your Don xx xx xx xx xx xx

Hamburger. ok.

I've heard back from Diana ok. I received an email with the title Hamburger. Yes, Hamburger ok. There is absolutely no reference to hamburgers in the email ok. None at all ok. But lots of use of the word ok. ok? Poor Diana doesn't have money to go to the cyber to write to me and she still hasn't answered my questions. She did send me yet more very professional looking photos of herself. I didn't realise that refugee camps had  professional photographic studios in them. She also sent me a 'copy' of her refugee I.D card. So professionally done and with a photo that is a completely different woman!




my dear good evening and a happy weekend to you
i wish you well and thank you so much for handmaking an image of me ok
please dear i want you to know that life has carried me beyond my calculations to the extend that i am so much focused on what i want which is being together with you and for you to help me to achieve this greatness whicb remains transferring this my inheritance and bringing me to your closest and having an established live investments with this my late father's money there in your country ok.
my dear please and please and please i still beg you to kindly forgive whatever erro i have made during our communications ok
follow me the best way you can so that i can be beneficial to you now and tomorrows.
i truely want ur everlasting relationship
remember that i do not have laptop nor money to go to the cyber to check and write you at will as here is reverend's office computer which serves for all the church hostel members. because of it most of the times here is conjested ok

i pray you will find some place in your heart to forgive my mistakes and take me directly as yours for ever .
am gld you are a wealthy man and as you can see , my interest is not so much in your wealth but in your kindness and capability to concentrate well to help me

i wish you a pleasant weekend and more blessings ahead

A little bit iof give and take.

I think it's time Diana started to work for her money. If she wants me to to do what she wants, I expect the same in return. As well as setting out my  requirements, I have sent her an in-depth description of what cheese is. Seriously, how can anyone not know what cheese is?!!  I have of course, attached some lovely hand drawn pictures of various cheeses for her perusal.


Good morning Diana.

Oh Diana, Diana, Diana! What am I going to do with you eh? You initially emailed me as you were looking for a relationship. I have given you every opportunity to allow me to get to know you but you really aren't making much of an effort are you? I sent you a hand painted portrait of yourself, painted by myself (I am a very well known artist my dear) that you ignored completely. I asked you to answer a few simple questions to help me get to know you and you chose not to. I want to help you so much my love, I want to get you out of your awful situation, believe me I do but I simply cannot do that as strangers.

I am a wealthy man Diana and will share all I have with the right woman. Do you actually want a relationship with me? I am prepared to do what you ask of me with regard to your late fathers money but this cannot be a one way street. I am not asking for or expecting financial recompense for helping you, what I want in return is simple. I want a relationship with you Diana, oh beautiful Diana. Are you prepared to let me get to know you properly in return for me helping you obtain your fathers money?

I shall email the bank as you asked, once you have answered the simple questions I sent you. I don't think that's too much to ask really, do you? I need to know you are committed to our relationship and that I can trust you. Once you start to make a bit more of an effort, I will do whatever you ask my love. I think that's fair don't you?

You asked me what cheese is? Cheese is a wonderful food stuff that I adore. Please take some time to read the Wikki entry about Cheese here.

Cheese is a food derived from milk that is produced in a wide range of flavours, textures, and forms by coagulation of the milk protein casein. It comprises proteins and fat from milk, usually the milk of cows, buffalo, goats, or sheep. During production, the milk is usually acidified, and adding the enzyme rennet causes coagulation. The solids are separated and pressed into final form.^[1] Some cheeses have molds on the rind or throughout. Most cheeses melt at cooking temperature.
Hundreds of types of cheese from various countries are produced. Their styles, textures and flavors depend on the origin of the milk (including the animal's diet), whether they have been pasteurized, the butterfat content, the bacteria and mold, the processing, and aging. Herbs, spices, or wood smoke may be used as flavoring agents. The yellow to red color of many cheeses, such as Red Leicester, is produced by adding annatto. Other ingredients may be added to some cheeses, such as black peppers, garlic, chives or cranberries.
For a few cheeses, the milk is curdled by adding acids such as vinegar or lemon juice. Most cheeses are acidified to a lesser degree by bacteria, which turn milk sugars into lactic acid, then the addition of rennet completes the curdling. Vegetarian alternatives to rennet are available; most are produced by fermentation of the fungus Mucor miehei, but others have been extracted from various species of the Cynara thistle family.
Cheese is valued for its portability, long life, and high content of fat, protein, calcium, and phosphorus. Cheese is more compact and has a longer shelf life than milk, although how long a cheese will keep may depend on the type of cheese; labels on packets of cheese often claim that a cheese should be consumed within three to five days of opening. Generally speaking, hard cheeses last longer than soft cheeses, such as Brie or goat's milk cheese. Cheese makers near a dairy region may benefit from fresher, lower-priced milk, and lower shipping costs. The long storage life of some cheese, especially if it is encased in a protective rind, allows selling when markets are favourable.
A specialist seller of cheese is sometimes known as a cheesemonger. Becoming an expert in this field requires some formal education and years of tasting and hands-on experience, much like becoming an expert in wine or cuisine. The cheesemonger is responsible for all aspects of the cheese inventory: selecting the cheese menu, purchasing, receiving, storage, and ripening.
There is some debate as to the best way to store cheese, but some experts say that wrapping it in cheese paper provides optimal results. Cheese paper is coated in a porous plastic on the inside, and the outside has a layer of wax. This specific combination of plastic on the inside and wax on the outside protects the cheese by allowing condensation on the cheese to be wicked away while preventing moisture from within the cheese to escape.

Here is a link to a great website all about cheese too http://www.cheese.com/

I have also attached some pictures I have done relating to cheese . I hope you enjoy them.

Anyway my beloved, I really look forward to hearing back from you very soon. Remember I want to help you and will do anything you ask if you do what I ask in return.

Have a good day.

All my love

Don x x x x x x x x x 

Babybel

Cheddar

Edam

Gorgonzola

Leerdammer

cheers and what is cheese?

Well it didn't take Diana long to reply. The cheeky mare just goes on about the  money again, no answers to any of my questions and no mention of my drawings. There will be trouble ahead ..........


good afternoon dear and how are you doing
i want you to first understand that i do not have laptop but works in the reverend office with all the church hostel members

i want you to know that what interest me is for you to stand and help me to so that we should achieve this money transfer or you come down here so that we can meet in person soonest
i wish you well and darling due to my stay and agony living here, i need you for my improved lifestyle

cheers and what is cheese?