Betamax. A good investment right?

I replied to Diana's last email giving her the information she required PROPERLY. I omitted a phone number of course. How very remiss of me.  Betamax video players are a good investment right?
 

Good morning my darling Diana.

I hope this finds you well and happy.  We are deep in snow here in England so today is very chilly.  The river Miface has frozen over and the village of Jizz-on-Miface  is covered in a thick,  creamy, white deposit. I think the gods may have seen your photos!! I think I may have to dig myself out if it carries on.

I emailed the bank as you ask my dear and am awaiting their reply. In the meantime, here is the information you requested from me.

your full names  - Don Juan Marmalade Ringo Keigh-Dick
your telephone number -
your profession - World famous artist
Age - 47
your country - England
the investments we should do in your country with this money -

I need a little more time to finalise my plans for investments but so far I am keen to invest in Betamax Video players,  Sinclair C5's and cheese. I will draw up a more comprehensive list shortly.

I just want to reassure you Diana that I am a trustworthy personnel and will do my best to help you to your (apple) core.

I do have a confession to make Diana. I think I am in love with you. I have tried to fight these feelings as we have known each other for such a short time but I can't help it. You are the most wonderful woman I have never met. You are beautiful, clever, incredibly literate and smart. I just can't wait until we can be together as a proper couple and I finally get to nibble on your apple.

For now my dear, I have to go. Please take care of yourself my beloved girl.

All my love

Don x x x x x x x x x x x

Not as a foreigner but as my apple.

Just as a logged on and emailed the bank, Diana sent me this email. It has the usual lack of punctuation, grammar and capital letters and interesting uses of the words apple and ginger. I wish she'd make her mind up too. One minute she isn't bothered about the inheritance, just having enough money so she doesn't starve and the next, she wants to know how we will invest it. Fickle woman.

 

 

 

hi my beloved

i sincerely and lovely admired your response and i wholeheartedly say big thanks to you and at the same time i want to plead that you will please never allow this our communications to end in internet ok. you see i really observed that money is not everything as it is just a mere thing to buy what someone want excluding love. love is love and love is real when partner involved agreed that it is real otherwise it is less committed or take note of.

i do not consider money as much but this my now condition money is needed so that i can not die of hunger and starvation. i want you to know that i am not a rich woman as you  may think but i inherited enough money from my late father that is why it seemed that i am a rich woman and besides the money is not into my care now as it is in a bank in united kingdom  and i can not claim it because it was deposited as investment money by my late father. i pray that you could have enough time to read this my mail to better understanding ok.

i need a true love and if i can have it, i think all my sorrowful should be over because i want someone that could care and love me not as a foreigner but as his love and as his apple.

it will do me great if you will consider me as your good friend and future reliable joint investment partner so that we should be able to achieve all our common goals on this earth together.

i want an assurance of your capability to handle this huge amount of money successfully for our everlasting financial growth.

Please i will like to introduce you to the bank where this money is as my trustee and foreign investments live partner and closer friend to enable the bank understand our closer relationship to backing us up in the fair and legal transfer of this money to your position for our reliable investments.

furthermore i want you to PROPERLY  send to me the following informations;

your full names ..............
your telephone number.....,,.......................
your profession....................................
Age..............................................................;
your country..........................
the investments we should do in your country with this money.....

if you can lovely read and comply with all the above things that i wrote it will ginger me mostly to entrust this my inheritance to you and also could be able to introduce you officially to bank for them To urgently arrange the transfer of this my inherited money to your control without delay .

i do not have anybody beside me to faithfully entrust because i was humiliated by my step mother and my late father's blood relatives immediately my parents died. this is a very disappointing  issue that i should like to explain to you when this transfer is successful and by the special grace of God  you will lovely help me to be together with you as soon as this money gets to your control ok.

i know you have answered most of the things i wrote here but kindly read and reply them with assurance as i lacks trustworthy personel and will like to be very sure that you could be able to help me to the core . cheers and please i awaits your urgent response

The bank.

I promised Diana that I would contact the bank so I thought I'd better do it. Eventually. I am positive that most banks have an email address like this:  royalbankof_scotland@accountant.com. Seems legit.

Dear Mr Gary Nathan.

I am contacting you on behalf of my girlfriend, Miss Diana Younes in respect to the inheritance left to her by her late father. I am now her leagal representative in this country and will be dealing with the matter on her behalf from now on.

I would be grateful if you could send me further details on how I can get my hands on her money.

Yours sincerely,

Mr Don Keigh-Dick.

I want a doctor, to take your picture ......

I don't want Diana to get fed up and stop emailing so I have promised to email the bank about her late fathers money. I'll do that soon. Let her wait a while longer.  I still want to know more about her, as do The Vapours!



Good evening my gorgeous darling Diana.
I hope my message finds you well and happy. I read your last email with the subject 'hamburger' and have to say, I was a little confused. Cheers and what is hamburger? Thank you for the beautiful pictures of you. I'm so glad you managed to find a professional photographic studio to take them for you. You really are beautiful. Have you ever considered stopping your medical studies at the college of aviation to become a model?
I understand that you are in dreadful circumstances over there and it breaks my heart. I want to do all I can to help you my love. I still wish you were more forthcoming with information about yourself and I will expect this from you in the future if I am to help you.
I am currently travelling back from setting up my new exhibition so am feeling a little weary at present. Tomorrow when I have rested and eaten a glorious, fulfilling meal of cheese, I shall email the bank as you requested.
Please tell me more about yourself, not just your present circumstances but of your life and family before the tragedy. I want to know you inside and out. I've got your picture, I've got your picture. I'd like a million of you all round my cell. I'd want a doctor, to take a picture so I can look at you from inside as well. You got me turning up, and turning down and turning in and turning round. I'm turning into cheese, I think I'm turning into cheese. I really think so.
Goodnight
Love and Stilton from
Your Don xx xx xx xx xx xx

Hamburger. ok.

I've heard back from Diana ok. I received an email with the title Hamburger. Yes, Hamburger ok. There is absolutely no reference to hamburgers in the email ok. None at all ok. But lots of use of the word ok. ok? Poor Diana doesn't have money to go to the cyber to write to me and she still hasn't answered my questions. She did send me yet more very professional looking photos of herself. I didn't realise that refugee camps had  professional photographic studios in them. She also sent me a 'copy' of her refugee I.D card. So professionally done and with a photo that is a completely different woman!




my dear good evening and a happy weekend to you
i wish you well and thank you so much for handmaking an image of me ok
please dear i want you to know that life has carried me beyond my calculations to the extend that i am so much focused on what i want which is being together with you and for you to help me to achieve this greatness whicb remains transferring this my inheritance and bringing me to your closest and having an established live investments with this my late father's money there in your country ok.
my dear please and please and please i still beg you to kindly forgive whatever erro i have made during our communications ok
follow me the best way you can so that i can be beneficial to you now and tomorrows.
i truely want ur everlasting relationship
remember that i do not have laptop nor money to go to the cyber to check and write you at will as here is reverend's office computer which serves for all the church hostel members. because of it most of the times here is conjested ok

i pray you will find some place in your heart to forgive my mistakes and take me directly as yours for ever .
am gld you are a wealthy man and as you can see , my interest is not so much in your wealth but in your kindness and capability to concentrate well to help me

i wish you a pleasant weekend and more blessings ahead