Kidnapped!!!

I've had a lot on the last week or so and hadn't got round to emailing Diana so I needed to come up with an excuse. What better excuse than being kidnapped?

My dearest Diana.

I must apologise for the lack of communication these last few days. The most awful thing happened to me.

I emailed the lawyer to explain that I didn't have the money they needed to pay for the paperwork. I offered him a choice of 3 of my paintings which he could sell to pay the fees but he refused them all. I panicked and realised that I needed to raise the money some other way to help get the paperwork you need my love.  You are the most important thing in my life Diana.

There's a local pub in our village that sometimes attracts people of a dubious nature who do all sorts of dodgy deals. I know one or two of them by sight so decided to take a chance and see if they could help me. I went to the pub and got myself a beer and waited for one of them to arrive.  Eventually one chap by the name of Brian Maiden arrived and I approached him, offering to buy him a beer. We sat in a corner and I began to explain my predicament to him. I said I needed to get my hands on some money fast and would be prepared to work for it even if it meant doing something not strictly legal.

He told me he had a package that needed delivering. I asked what it was but he said it was better if I didn't know. He gave me an address and said I would receive payment on delivery of said package. I was told to deliver it the next day at 8pm.

So the next day I got myself ready and headed off to the address I 'd been given. The house was in a rather run down area of a neighbouring village and I began to feel a little nervous. All I kept thinking about was you Diana and how I needed to do this to raise enough money to pay for the paperwork we need to get your fathers money and get you over to England. I parked my car on the road outside the house and noticed a black van pull up on the opposite said of the road. I didn't really think anything of it as I grabbed the packaged and got out of my car. What happened next is a bit of a blur. One minute I was locking my car door, the next I was being grabbed from behind and bundled into the back of the black van.

I was terrified Diana, absolutely terrified. I was blindfolded and tied up and they started to drive away. It was a bumpy drive and I didn't half bruise my coccyx. After what seemed like ages, the van stopped and I was dragged out of the back and pushed through the doorway of a building. Only then did I get to see my captors. I recognised them instantly as Pat Sabbath and his partner Judith Priest, both members of the notorious 'Mental Metal' gang. Their leader is the much feared Jed Zeppelin who is well known for his law breaking and violence. 

Pat and Judith took me upstairs and tied me to a chair in a small room at the back of the house. The decorating was dreadful, all 80's floral chintz and lace. It turned my stomach I don't mind saying. They demanded that I told them who I was delivering the parcel for or I'd 'get it'.  I refused. I was too scared to get Brian Maiden into trouble as I knew what would happen if I told them. Brian would hunt me down for sure and that would be the end of me. Becasue I refused to tell them, they beat me.  They hit me with old copies of Anglers Times which didn't half sting and poked me repeatedly with  pencils. I say repeatedly, the kept stopping to sharpen them as the leads kept breaking. Well if they buy their stationary from Poundland, what can you expect?

They kept this up for several days. I don't really know how long as one day soon blurs into another when surrounded by floral hellishness. All this time, the parcel remained sealed and discarded in the corner of the room. I couldn't help but wonder what was in it. After several days and nights  in my garish jail, the box started to give off an alarming smell. A rancid fluid was leaking from one corner and it turned my stomach. What was in the box? I had to find out. I tried to shuffle my chair over to get a better look but just succeeded in tipping over and landing head first onto the Laura Ashley rug. They may look soft but believe me, the friction burn I got down the left side of my face tells a different story!

Pat and Judith must have heard the bang and came running upstairs.  The found me prostrate on the floor, retching because of the smelly box. They pulled me upright again and began another assault, this time with rolled up copies of 'The Fish Sniffer' magazine.  I was in agony Diana, sheer agony. My spirit broken, I had no option but to tell they what they wanted to know. I was delivering the parcel on behalf of their adversary,  Brian Maiden. I was a broken man. Battered and bruised, they untied me. I needed to know what was in the parcel and begged Judith to tell me. I appealed to her feminine side, telling her all about you and why I needed the money. She softened and gave me a knowing look. Her and Pat are obviously in love so she understood what I was going through.  She waited until Pat had left the room and whispered in my ear "Fish. It's fish." She left the room without another word.

I didn't understand. I was battered, bruised and now confused. I'd been kidnapped for a box of fish? It made no sense. I made my way downstairs to find the back door unlocked so I ran. I ran faster than I have ever done in my entire life. I ran until I reached the local police station where I broke down and told them everything. I didn't care if I got into trouble for my part in the dodgy deal. All I cared about was being free again. Free to get back in touch with you Diana. I was interviewed and a statement taken. The interviewing officer asked what exactly I knew about Brian, Pat, Judith and Jed. "Very little" was my response except the state that Pat and Judith really had appalling taste in interior design.  Well Diana, it turns out that both Brian Maiden and Jed Zeppelin are fishmongers. For years they have competed against each other to win the title of 'Fishmonger of the year.'  I never realised how cut throat the fresh sea food business was. The parcel I was delivering was some luxury fresh fish and the recipient was the head judge of the competition. Jed Zepellin had got wind of this and sent Pat and Judith to kidnap me to stop the delivery.

So all that fear and intimidation was down to a box a fish! But do you know what Diana? I 'd do it all over again for you. I'd do anything for you my love. I'm back home now, still bruised and sore but sadly, without the money I was promised by Brian.  I hope you understand that I am doing my very best to try and raise the money Diana. I want to help you, I want to marry you but I may need a little more time.

I can't wait to hear from you again my beloved. Please write to me soon.

All my love

Don xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx