Immediately.

The lawyers have been in touch again. I currently have £23.47. They need 1280 Euros. Immediately. Good luck with that!


ATTENTION,

 

In compliance of your mail i received in my noble law firm i wish to inform you that i have made some verification from the Bank and they were updating me that immediately the documents is completed they would proceed with the transaction to your account.and now you say that you  currently have £23.47the cost of the documents is €1280 you know that the amount is not just for me but must be paid in the federal high court before the chief judge would  and you tell me you  currently have £23.47 i will like you to go completed the money €780 so that i will go immediately of that documents. immediately i receive the requested amount i would proceed in getting the vital documents.

 

Faithfully Yours

 

Bar (Dr) BENJAMIN ANTHONY

 

A bit of rumpy pumpy.

A quick email to let Diana know I am recovering well.




Good afternoon my beautiful Diana.

I am so glad to hear from you. I was so worried that you would think I had deserted you. All the time I was going through my ordeal, all I could think about was you. I just wanted to escape unharmed. I just wanted to be with you.

I am doing okay now my love. I have a few scars and a picture of a trout imprinted on my upper left arm but that will fade in time I'm sure. The police called me today to say that Judith, Brian, Jed and Pat are all due up in court on Monday next week to face charges of kidnap, assault with a deadly newspaper and fraud. I hope they all get sent to prison for what they did to me.

Oh my darling Diana. I wish I could be with you now, to hold you in my arms and have a bit of rumpy pumpy. Soon my love, soon.

In the mean time, I am trying my best to raise the money you need. I did email the bank and the lawyers but not heard anything back yet. Can you chase them up for me my love?

I must rest now my beloved. You be a good girl and say a prayer for me.

I love you Diana

Your Don xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The account will be terminated.

During the time I was 'kidnapped' the bank (Royalbankof Scotland) got in touch. They are putting a time limit on the transaction now.



For Your Kindly Attention,
in conjunction with your mail we which to inform you that we are still waiting to received all the necessary documents we needed for the transaction before the account will be terminated we will be waiting to received all the demands documents sure that before  10 working days is the last days insure the smooth conclusion of the transaction

For further details and enquirers please do contact
Yours Faithfully,

Mr. Garry Nathan
(Foreign Operation/Wire Transfer Dept).
R.B.S

 

 

 

 

I sent a brief reply saying that I need more time to raise the money.


Dear Mr Garry Nathan

I am struggling to get the money to pay for the paperwork you need. Is there any chance you can let me have a little more time? I really want to help my poor Diana, I just need more time please.

Yours sincerely

Don Keigh-Dick

Benjamin Button

In between being kidnapped and just not bothering to reply, I received word from the 'lawyer'. He didn't seem to want any of my lovely paintings but wanted to know how much money I have.



ATTENTION DON KEIGH-DICK

 

IN COMPLIANCE OF YOUR MAIL I RECEIVED IN MY NOBLE LAW FIRM I WISH TO INFORM YOU THAT THE REQUESTED AMOUNT IS NOT JUST FOR ME BUT MUST BE PAID IN THE FEDERAL HIGH COURT BEFORE THE CHIEF JUDGE WOULD PROCEED IN MAKING ENDORSEMANT SO THE ONLY HELP I CAN RENDER BECAUSE OF THE POOR CONDITION OF THE YOUNG GIRL IS YOU INFORM ME ON THE AMOUNT YOU HAVE NOW SO I WOULD SEE WHAT I CAN DO.
BAR BENJAMIN

 

 

 

 

I replied, telling him all about my unfortunate kidnapping, this time referring to him as Mr Benjamin Button.

Dear Mr Benjamin Button

I am struggling to raise the money needed for you to get the necessary paperwork. I tried to get it by delivering a package for a gangster fishmonger but this resulted in me being kidnapped and beaten. I am just about recovered now.

I currently have £23.47 to my name. I am trying to sell some of my artwork to raise the cash but I am not being very successful. Can I have more time to get the money? I really want to help my beloved Diana but just need more time to raise the money.

I hope you understand.

Yours sincerely

Don Keigh-Dick

i know him will not let the ham

I did wonder if Diana would bother replying to my last email about being kidnapped by gangster fishmongers but she did. She still loves me and there was no mention of the money or paperwork. Maybe 'she' feels guilty? I doubt it! I wonder how long the fake concern will last for? I must comment on just how dreadful this email is. They are usually bad but this one excels in it's awfulness.



hello my love how are you today
am so so so sorry to haer wot  happen to you am sorry my love hope you ok now
 i thank god who gives power of freedom am so happy now that after all this you have go thor of me am happy that god i save saves you of all the violence i thank god i know him will not let the ham you my love am happy now so tell me how are you now are you ok please my love tell me are you ok now am so worried i need to hear from you ok hope to see you mail thank god will bless you of me ok
with to hear from you soo
you Diana

Kidnapped!!!

I've had a lot on the last week or so and hadn't got round to emailing Diana so I needed to come up with an excuse. What better excuse than being kidnapped?

My dearest Diana.

I must apologise for the lack of communication these last few days. The most awful thing happened to me.

I emailed the lawyer to explain that I didn't have the money they needed to pay for the paperwork. I offered him a choice of 3 of my paintings which he could sell to pay the fees but he refused them all. I panicked and realised that I needed to raise the money some other way to help get the paperwork you need my love.  You are the most important thing in my life Diana.

There's a local pub in our village that sometimes attracts people of a dubious nature who do all sorts of dodgy deals. I know one or two of them by sight so decided to take a chance and see if they could help me. I went to the pub and got myself a beer and waited for one of them to arrive.  Eventually one chap by the name of Brian Maiden arrived and I approached him, offering to buy him a beer. We sat in a corner and I began to explain my predicament to him. I said I needed to get my hands on some money fast and would be prepared to work for it even if it meant doing something not strictly legal.

He told me he had a package that needed delivering. I asked what it was but he said it was better if I didn't know. He gave me an address and said I would receive payment on delivery of said package. I was told to deliver it the next day at 8pm.

So the next day I got myself ready and headed off to the address I 'd been given. The house was in a rather run down area of a neighbouring village and I began to feel a little nervous. All I kept thinking about was you Diana and how I needed to do this to raise enough money to pay for the paperwork we need to get your fathers money and get you over to England. I parked my car on the road outside the house and noticed a black van pull up on the opposite said of the road. I didn't really think anything of it as I grabbed the packaged and got out of my car. What happened next is a bit of a blur. One minute I was locking my car door, the next I was being grabbed from behind and bundled into the back of the black van.

I was terrified Diana, absolutely terrified. I was blindfolded and tied up and they started to drive away. It was a bumpy drive and I didn't half bruise my coccyx. After what seemed like ages, the van stopped and I was dragged out of the back and pushed through the doorway of a building. Only then did I get to see my captors. I recognised them instantly as Pat Sabbath and his partner Judith Priest, both members of the notorious 'Mental Metal' gang. Their leader is the much feared Jed Zeppelin who is well known for his law breaking and violence. 

Pat and Judith took me upstairs and tied me to a chair in a small room at the back of the house. The decorating was dreadful, all 80's floral chintz and lace. It turned my stomach I don't mind saying. They demanded that I told them who I was delivering the parcel for or I'd 'get it'.  I refused. I was too scared to get Brian Maiden into trouble as I knew what would happen if I told them. Brian would hunt me down for sure and that would be the end of me. Becasue I refused to tell them, they beat me.  They hit me with old copies of Anglers Times which didn't half sting and poked me repeatedly with  pencils. I say repeatedly, the kept stopping to sharpen them as the leads kept breaking. Well if they buy their stationary from Poundland, what can you expect?

They kept this up for several days. I don't really know how long as one day soon blurs into another when surrounded by floral hellishness. All this time, the parcel remained sealed and discarded in the corner of the room. I couldn't help but wonder what was in it. After several days and nights  in my garish jail, the box started to give off an alarming smell. A rancid fluid was leaking from one corner and it turned my stomach. What was in the box? I had to find out. I tried to shuffle my chair over to get a better look but just succeeded in tipping over and landing head first onto the Laura Ashley rug. They may look soft but believe me, the friction burn I got down the left side of my face tells a different story!

Pat and Judith must have heard the bang and came running upstairs.  The found me prostrate on the floor, retching because of the smelly box. They pulled me upright again and began another assault, this time with rolled up copies of 'The Fish Sniffer' magazine.  I was in agony Diana, sheer agony. My spirit broken, I had no option but to tell they what they wanted to know. I was delivering the parcel on behalf of their adversary,  Brian Maiden. I was a broken man. Battered and bruised, they untied me. I needed to know what was in the parcel and begged Judith to tell me. I appealed to her feminine side, telling her all about you and why I needed the money. She softened and gave me a knowing look. Her and Pat are obviously in love so she understood what I was going through.  She waited until Pat had left the room and whispered in my ear "Fish. It's fish." She left the room without another word.

I didn't understand. I was battered, bruised and now confused. I'd been kidnapped for a box of fish? It made no sense. I made my way downstairs to find the back door unlocked so I ran. I ran faster than I have ever done in my entire life. I ran until I reached the local police station where I broke down and told them everything. I didn't care if I got into trouble for my part in the dodgy deal. All I cared about was being free again. Free to get back in touch with you Diana. I was interviewed and a statement taken. The interviewing officer asked what exactly I knew about Brian, Pat, Judith and Jed. "Very little" was my response except the state that Pat and Judith really had appalling taste in interior design.  Well Diana, it turns out that both Brian Maiden and Jed Zeppelin are fishmongers. For years they have competed against each other to win the title of 'Fishmonger of the year.'  I never realised how cut throat the fresh sea food business was. The parcel I was delivering was some luxury fresh fish and the recipient was the head judge of the competition. Jed Zepellin had got wind of this and sent Pat and Judith to kidnap me to stop the delivery.

So all that fear and intimidation was down to a box a fish! But do you know what Diana? I 'd do it all over again for you. I'd do anything for you my love. I'm back home now, still bruised and sore but sadly, without the money I was promised by Brian.  I hope you understand that I am doing my very best to try and raise the money Diana. I want to help you, I want to marry you but I may need a little more time.

I can't wait to hear from you again my beloved. Please write to me soon.

All my love

Don xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mr Benjamin Netanyahu

The lawyers fees are a little expensive and I don't have that kind of money spare at the moment. I have offered them the choice of three wonderful paintings to either sell or hang in their offices. I have also decided to call the lawyer (Jim Benjamin) Benjamin Netanyahu. I wonder if he'll even notice!


Dear Mr Benjamin Netanyahu

Many thanks for your last mail.

I am a little concerned about the amount of money needed for this paperwork. It is rather a lot and I don't have that kind of money available to me at the present moment.

I don't know if you are aware but I am a world famous artist. My paintings sell for vast amounts of money all over the world. Unfortunately, most of this money is invested in art supplies or stocks and shares where I cannot immediately access it.

I have an idea. I have a few, as yet unsold paintings that I am willing to let you choose from.  There are three in particular that I think you will appreciate: Paris Sunset, Tortured soul and Caterpillar Girl. Please select one of the three and I will arrange to have it shipped over to your offices. I know it will be a difficult decision for you to make as all three are magnificent works of art but I am sure you will agree, either one of them will make a fine addition to any professional workplace. It is your choice whether you keep it to hang in your offices or sell it for a princely sum.

I have attached scans of the pictures for your perusal and look forward to hearing from you forthwith.

Your sincerely

Don Keigh-Dick.

Paris Sunset

Caterpillar Girl

Tortured Soul