Kidnapped!!!

I've had a lot on the last week or so and hadn't got round to emailing Diana so I needed to come up with an excuse. What better excuse than being kidnapped?

My dearest Diana.

I must apologise for the lack of communication these last few days. The most awful thing happened to me.

I emailed the lawyer to explain that I didn't have the money they needed to pay for the paperwork. I offered him a choice of 3 of my paintings which he could sell to pay the fees but he refused them all. I panicked and realised that I needed to raise the money some other way to help get the paperwork you need my love.  You are the most important thing in my life Diana.

There's a local pub in our village that sometimes attracts people of a dubious nature who do all sorts of dodgy deals. I know one or two of them by sight so decided to take a chance and see if they could help me. I went to the pub and got myself a beer and waited for one of them to arrive.  Eventually one chap by the name of Brian Maiden arrived and I approached him, offering to buy him a beer. We sat in a corner and I began to explain my predicament to him. I said I needed to get my hands on some money fast and would be prepared to work for it even if it meant doing something not strictly legal.

He told me he had a package that needed delivering. I asked what it was but he said it was better if I didn't know. He gave me an address and said I would receive payment on delivery of said package. I was told to deliver it the next day at 8pm.

So the next day I got myself ready and headed off to the address I 'd been given. The house was in a rather run down area of a neighbouring village and I began to feel a little nervous. All I kept thinking about was you Diana and how I needed to do this to raise enough money to pay for the paperwork we need to get your fathers money and get you over to England. I parked my car on the road outside the house and noticed a black van pull up on the opposite said of the road. I didn't really think anything of it as I grabbed the packaged and got out of my car. What happened next is a bit of a blur. One minute I was locking my car door, the next I was being grabbed from behind and bundled into the back of the black van.

I was terrified Diana, absolutely terrified. I was blindfolded and tied up and they started to drive away. It was a bumpy drive and I didn't half bruise my coccyx. After what seemed like ages, the van stopped and I was dragged out of the back and pushed through the doorway of a building. Only then did I get to see my captors. I recognised them instantly as Pat Sabbath and his partner Judith Priest, both members of the notorious 'Mental Metal' gang. Their leader is the much feared Jed Zeppelin who is well known for his law breaking and violence. 

Pat and Judith took me upstairs and tied me to a chair in a small room at the back of the house. The decorating was dreadful, all 80's floral chintz and lace. It turned my stomach I don't mind saying. They demanded that I told them who I was delivering the parcel for or I'd 'get it'.  I refused. I was too scared to get Brian Maiden into trouble as I knew what would happen if I told them. Brian would hunt me down for sure and that would be the end of me. Becasue I refused to tell them, they beat me.  They hit me with old copies of Anglers Times which didn't half sting and poked me repeatedly with  pencils. I say repeatedly, the kept stopping to sharpen them as the leads kept breaking. Well if they buy their stationary from Poundland, what can you expect?

They kept this up for several days. I don't really know how long as one day soon blurs into another when surrounded by floral hellishness. All this time, the parcel remained sealed and discarded in the corner of the room. I couldn't help but wonder what was in it. After several days and nights  in my garish jail, the box started to give off an alarming smell. A rancid fluid was leaking from one corner and it turned my stomach. What was in the box? I had to find out. I tried to shuffle my chair over to get a better look but just succeeded in tipping over and landing head first onto the Laura Ashley rug. They may look soft but believe me, the friction burn I got down the left side of my face tells a different story!

Pat and Judith must have heard the bang and came running upstairs.  The found me prostrate on the floor, retching because of the smelly box. They pulled me upright again and began another assault, this time with rolled up copies of 'The Fish Sniffer' magazine.  I was in agony Diana, sheer agony. My spirit broken, I had no option but to tell they what they wanted to know. I was delivering the parcel on behalf of their adversary,  Brian Maiden. I was a broken man. Battered and bruised, they untied me. I needed to know what was in the parcel and begged Judith to tell me. I appealed to her feminine side, telling her all about you and why I needed the money. She softened and gave me a knowing look. Her and Pat are obviously in love so she understood what I was going through.  She waited until Pat had left the room and whispered in my ear "Fish. It's fish." She left the room without another word.

I didn't understand. I was battered, bruised and now confused. I'd been kidnapped for a box of fish? It made no sense. I made my way downstairs to find the back door unlocked so I ran. I ran faster than I have ever done in my entire life. I ran until I reached the local police station where I broke down and told them everything. I didn't care if I got into trouble for my part in the dodgy deal. All I cared about was being free again. Free to get back in touch with you Diana. I was interviewed and a statement taken. The interviewing officer asked what exactly I knew about Brian, Pat, Judith and Jed. "Very little" was my response except the state that Pat and Judith really had appalling taste in interior design.  Well Diana, it turns out that both Brian Maiden and Jed Zeppelin are fishmongers. For years they have competed against each other to win the title of 'Fishmonger of the year.'  I never realised how cut throat the fresh sea food business was. The parcel I was delivering was some luxury fresh fish and the recipient was the head judge of the competition. Jed Zepellin had got wind of this and sent Pat and Judith to kidnap me to stop the delivery.

So all that fear and intimidation was down to a box a fish! But do you know what Diana? I 'd do it all over again for you. I'd do anything for you my love. I'm back home now, still bruised and sore but sadly, without the money I was promised by Brian.  I hope you understand that I am doing my very best to try and raise the money Diana. I want to help you, I want to marry you but I may need a little more time.

I can't wait to hear from you again my beloved. Please write to me soon.

All my love

Don xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mr Benjamin Netanyahu

The lawyers fees are a little expensive and I don't have that kind of money spare at the moment. I have offered them the choice of three wonderful paintings to either sell or hang in their offices. I have also decided to call the lawyer (Jim Benjamin) Benjamin Netanyahu. I wonder if he'll even notice!


Dear Mr Benjamin Netanyahu

Many thanks for your last mail.

I am a little concerned about the amount of money needed for this paperwork. It is rather a lot and I don't have that kind of money available to me at the present moment.

I don't know if you are aware but I am a world famous artist. My paintings sell for vast amounts of money all over the world. Unfortunately, most of this money is invested in art supplies or stocks and shares where I cannot immediately access it.

I have an idea. I have a few, as yet unsold paintings that I am willing to let you choose from.  There are three in particular that I think you will appreciate: Paris Sunset, Tortured soul and Caterpillar Girl. Please select one of the three and I will arrange to have it shipped over to your offices. I know it will be a difficult decision for you to make as all three are magnificent works of art but I am sure you will agree, either one of them will make a fine addition to any professional workplace. It is your choice whether you keep it to hang in your offices or sell it for a princely sum.

I have attached scans of the pictures for your perusal and look forward to hearing from you forthwith.

Your sincerely

Don Keigh-Dick.

Paris Sunset

Caterpillar Girl

Tortured Soul

Diana with tears.

Oh poor poor Diana. She's feeling sad since I said I needed some time to think about the money the lawyers need. She only gets fed once a day. Bless her!


Hello dear
 am so worried since i read your last message please am begging you in the name of God help me out you a only hope i have to get back my freedom here its just like a prison to be no good water or food and the y feed us once a day,i swear in the name of God that you will never regret helping me and i will be spending the rest of my life with you as soon as the money is transfer to your position to come over and meet you and continue my education in your country,my dear remember all the trust and love i put to you please i will like you to contact the lawyer and tell him how much you have ok wait to meet you, Diana with tears

Bollocks!

I sent Diana a lovely valentines reply including a picture of some testicles in the shape of a love heart. I hope 'she' liked it!


My darling Diana.

Happy Valentines day my darling girl. Thank you for the lovely pictures and all the kind words about Bollywood. You can't get more romantic than a cut and paste about Indian movies!

I hope you've had a good day my love. I just wish we could have spent it together. I've been busy working on a new commission so haven't stopped all day. It's a hard life being a world famous artist.

I haven't emailed the lawyer back yet as I've been so busy and need to see about the money they want. It's an awful lot and I'm not sure I have that much spare at the moment. Leave it with me. I'll sort something.

Well my love, enjoy the rest of your day and I'll be in touch soon.

Love you always

Don xx xx xx xx xx xx xx xx xx xx xx xx

HAPPY VALENTINE DAY ONE IN YEAR I LOVE YOU‏ (and a bit of Bollywood)

This email came through on the evening of Valentines day. I don't think I have laughed so much in ages! If this isn't proof of what an incompetent bunch of shitehawks these scammers are then I don't know what is!! Bollywood? What the actual f**k??!!!

Today is day of love and happyness Valentine's day - wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, Chaucer's love birds. jack b. oruch writes that the first recorded association of valentine's day with romantic love is in parlement of foules (1382) by geoffrey. Bollywood - wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, Etymology. the name "bollywood" is a portmanteau derived from bombay (the former name for mumbai) and hollywood, the center of the american film industry however. Santabanta : jokes, sms, wallpapers, bollywood movies, videos, A punjab based site with a big collection of jokes..

Bollywood, entertainment, fashion, beauty | pinkvilla, Pyaar tune kya kiya: watch out for anita hassanandani and harshad arora as modern-day paro and devdas! (pics). Desitvforum– no.1 indian television & bollywood portal, Disclaimer: all logos and pictures of various channels, shows, artistes, media houses, companies, and brands etc. belong to their respective owners, and are used to. Valentine’s day - history.com — history made every day, Each year on february 14 th, many people exchange cards, candy, gifts or flowers with their special “valentine.” the day of romance we call valentine’s day is.a day of love  i love you my love i shows you happy valentine to you my love i miss you hope to haer of you

All love and kisss
your Diana

I really love you, husband Bear.

And the romantic guff continues! She seems to think we have met already, making reference to 'after you left'. Unless I was unconscious, I can't remember that! What a load of old bo**ocks!!



 Hi, my love , you're always lighting up my heart with the things you do and say. I feel so happy just being with you this way. You're my love, and will forever be my love. You will always be the love of my life, and please never give up, always have faith in yourself and you will gain the greatest gift of all, the gift of hope and love you righteously deserve.

Every time I think of you my heart misses a beat. You're my love for a dream! Every moment we share together we grow closer. I'm simply hanging by a moment, waiting to see you  so you can hold me so tight that all else fades; I thought after you left you would fade away from my mind, but still everyday I wake up dreaming of our time together.

I will never forget you. I hope you  think of me too. I love you with all that I am, all that I was and all that I will ever be. Please know that my love and I are inseparable and I would want it no other way and if time could express my love for you then it's forever and a day. I can't wait to be with you, see your smile, look in your eyes, feel your sweet word , hear your perfect words and kiss your perfect lips. The way I feel about you some people call it crazy, some call it insane, but I call it true love. I really love you, husband  Bear.

Love always,

350 Euros for a passport.

Diana  now needs 350 Euros to get a passport so she can come over to England, At least she's got the right country now as she normally says I live in the USA.



Hello My Dear Sweet husband

how are you doing today?, hope you are doing fine and i know you have fully recovered because i am praying always for you, thanks for your  mail we i read you mail today i was very happy to hear such  form you that you want me to come over to England  yes i am agree to come to England.

my love  honestly before i choose you, i prayed to Allah to help me make the choice of who will help me and i know he answered me, yes i know that there are other men but i prayed for someone who will take me as him own love because i was afraid to enter into the hand of evil people, i can't just tell but i know it was divinely programmed that both of us shall meet for you to help.me and love me ask you wife and i promise you to be  honest to you and i will love you ask my love and my husband .

my love i will like you to help me to have my passport ok  so that i can start coming to meet you in England i just ask reverend father about my Passport him say that the Passport fee is just 350 euro please my love i will like you to help me to have my Passport ok and i will like to know you discussion wet the lawyer if him agree to help us to secure the remaining documents bank requested for the transfer into your account on my behalf, please my love we dot have more time ok i will love to hear form you my husband i love you i can watt to meet you in England love very soon i shall see you face to face, have a good day, yours,
All love Diana